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[ Briefly, she almost yields. She is not sure she is ready to see him, but she also doesn't want him to give her a kindness either. She's not sure she's ready to accept that. ]

No. It's fine. I miss the walks.

And I did hear something about that.
I think she expected me to be more upset or scandalized but I set her straight.
I mean, not with full details just that... never mind.

I hope Matt is doing well.

[Gratitude follows surprise for the fact that Alina corrected Inej's (entirely reasonable) assumptions. She could have let Inej believe he's the sort of man to flit to a new lover with casual cruelty. She might have let her feed her rage toward him to fill in the aching hurt he's left behind. But...she stepped in.

(And although he'd prefer to keep the details of his personal life private from those of their world, that all flew out the window, of course, the moment Inej broke in.)]

Did she tell you that she woke me up by hurling a chew toy at my head?

Matt is splendid. Ponchik won't leave him alone.

[To give more detail seems...fraught. Matt is saddened by the sudden end of their relationship. Worried about both of them, probably. He's been immeasurably helpful, and not just with the gem-bindings. Splendid will have to do.]

This afternoon, then. I'll be home.

I think you're lucky it was just a dog toy.

[ She almost wants to tell Nikolai to give Matt her regards but... then he would know they've talked and that's confusing enough for her. ]

I'll be there. Can you pack up some of his things? Food, bowls. One of his many beds.

Ah, but a knife would have robbed her of the pleasure of castigating me in my own home.

She did see the gem-bindings. Thank the Saints she just thinks I have a fetish for sleeping all trussed up. I can live with that.

[It's funny, right? He hopes she's laughing on the other end.]

Of course, I'll have a bag ready for you.

[ You mean you don't? she wants to tease, but something achy pulls at her chest stopping her. Their nightly ritual is something that had been unbreaking since the beginning, even before. It could not withstand the after, though. ]

Thanks.

[ A couple hours later, she stands on the door step of her own home. It feels wrong to ring the bell or knock. It feels even worse to just walk right in. ]

I'm here.

[It's strange for him too, to open the door for as if she's a guest. As if she didn't call this place home just a week ago. He greets her with a polite smile, but she should know him well enough to catch the stiffness of it. The sadness in his eyes, there one instant and submerged the next.

His clothes are the less polished sort he only wears when he's working on something in the garage, jeans and a collar-less shirt. He smells of sweat and grease, but somehow he wears it well.

Maybe Ponchik can sense who's standing in the doorway, because he comes barreling down the hall into the foyer, all but shoving Nikolai aside to jump on Alina. The dog is big enough now to reach her chest when on his hind legs. There is little she can do against his barrage of kisses...

Recovering with a laugh, Nikolai gestures behind him.]

Do you want to sit down for a minute? I could put on the tea kettle.

[Is it normal to be jealous of one's own dog? Lucky son of a bitch. It's maddeningly hard to see Alina without being allowed to pull her in for a kiss. His body and heart struggle to remember what it was like to hold those urges in.]

[ Alina's face cracks into a bright smile as Ponchik bounds down the stairs, and while she would have pulled him back down from jumping on anyone else, she indulges their dog in heaps of attention. Ruffling his fur between hears, she scratches and exclaims as he licks a slobbery kiss across her face.

She ushers him down, kneeling so she can lavish him with attention while he has all four paws on the ground, Ponchik still offering her many kisses and a wet nose to the face. She had not realized how much she had missed him until now.

Looking up from the spot where she kneels, she realizes it is not limited to Ponchik either. Nikolai always managed to look handsome no matter what he was wearing. In fact, many times she preferred sneaking up behind him in the garage and wrapping her arms around his waist when he was so casual and relaxed. Like it was the furthest from their old lives.

Real lives. Not old lives.

Something plucks in her chest, having to look back down, smoothing her hand over Ponchik's head to occupy herself.

Her face settles into something more serious. Quietly, ] I don't know if that's a good idea.

[ What would they talk about? Would he try and explain again? Apologize? She isn't ready to hear it. ]

Edited 2022-01-09 02:46 (UTC)

[When she looks up, their eyes meet for just a pause. It's the worst kind of hurt, loving and not having. A stab of elation that she's there, that she's looking at him at all, swallowed up by the sharp jaws of something dwelling in his chest. Nikolai's smile falters. He hides it by ducking into a nod, emerging with a fresh grin arranged in place.]

Of course. [Plucking at his shirt, smudged with grease and singed in spots.] I'm in no state to receive a— guest right now anyway.

[Almost imperceptible, his stumbling over the word guest. As if he was about to say something else instead. A pretty girl. With seemingly careless ease he's flirted with her from the day they met, and only now does it feel strange.]

Ponchik's things are right here. [A quick gesture to the large tote bag sitting by the door.] Is the roll-up bed good enough? I thought you might get funny looks dragging a big dog bed across town.

[ Had part of her wished he would have pushed harder? He was relentless in pursuing her. Does he miss that? Does he miss her? In the place where she might have once felt hints of his feelings, she feels nothing. It's like trying to see out of her elbow, a sense lost that she can't put back together. All she's left with is a broken longing for trying to remember what it felt like, to share something so deeply with him. A broken longing for wanting to feel it just one more time.

She stands, slipping the loop of his leash around her wrist brushing her palms against each other idly. ]

Ah, I see. You're trying to keep your place as the favorite.

[ Covering hurt with humor. It's a trick she's picked up from him even if she doesn't realize it. She does know it's not nearly as smooth as he might have delivered it. ]

Maybe you can, uhm. Bring one. When you come to pick him up. Just so he feels even.

[ Saints, this is awkward enough. Why did she invite him to come visit her at her temporary housing. ]

[Even now, Nikolai wants to clutch at every minute he can get with her. He has missed studying Alina's face the way he studies the night sky, and teasing out her laugh, and a thousand other little things. He misses feeling the pulse of her whole being as though they're tied together by an invisible string. Something is still there, but it's frayed beyond providing any surety when he reaches for it.

He knows those moments are long gone, and trying to cobble them together from the broken pieces is a fool's errand. It will only invite the aching in his chest to spread its jaws wider.

All he can do is act like it doesn't hurt. He forces an amused scoff.]

We both know you're the favorite. You could give him a pile of newspapers to sleep on and he'd still adore you.

[Who kept Ponchik company while Nikolai was at work for all those hours? Proving his point, the dog hasn't removed his attention from Alina since she arrived. He paces all around her, tail wagging and tongue lolling as he points his big puppy eyes at her.]

But I'll bring a bed when I come by.

[Think of it as a business transaction. Nothing more. Nevertheless, he's grateful for Ponchik, because without the need to trade the dog back and forth, he wouldn't know when he'd see Alina again.]

[ That is... probably true. Even if the dog was Nikolai's idea, Ponchik had made himself a comfortable spot in Alina's heart. A companion throughout the day, napping in the sun filtering through the windows, slobbering on her as she tossed his ball in the yard for what could be hours, rolling around and exploring the sights and smells of whatever part of the city Alina wanted to sketch from that day.

Ponchik certainly would take whatever scraps of attention he could get, and was it really that long ago Alina was any different? But it's cruel to even consider, even as a joke. Their dog deserves better. Now if only she could think the same of herself. ]

Yeah. Just let me know when that will be, I guess. [ A brief pause. It's tough enough seeing him now. Her eyes darting down to the dog instead, her hand wrapping tightly around the leash. Broken pieces of something she can't put back together again. ] Someone is usually home, and I'll let everyone know you aren't committing any pet thievery.

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